Is it the Height or is it the Depth that makes my heart shiver and shake??
It’s no secret to all who know me that I turn into a bundle of tightly wound nerves the moment I sense unsteady ground beneath me….and a potential fall looming near. It’s all quite irrational…and the body can easily begin tensing up on something as small as a 2ft tall step ladder.
I’ve chalked it all up to a “fear of heights” over the years…and didn’t analyze it very much. But recently I’ve been working hard to break through the irrational reaction to heights in all ways. I refuse to miss out on LIFE because of an irrational incomprehensible reaction to heights.
I’ve discovered more than one past life that found me plummeting to my death from one sheer cliff wall or another. And with each discovery…..my fear seemed to neutralize itself a bit more. I’m now able to cautiously walk up to an edge of a cliff or balcony if I trust that the fencing is strong. And I’ve just braved my first upside down roller coaster a month or two ago.
I’m trying hard to rationalize and neutralize all inner thoughts of insecurity and fear.
And yet….on this recent trip into the mountains of North Georgia last week…I found myself triggered deeply once again.
My son wished to journey down a solid and well-designed stairway to the bottom of Tallulah Gorge….and although I was peace-filled, cool, and motivated before I took my first step…..I was a bundle of nerves by the 3rd step. My hands were clenching the two railings….my knees were tightly moving forward…desperately needing to feel the security of the next step.
I breathed deeply and did a little mind-yoga….but I only made it down about 20 steps before I realized that I would never make it the whole way. I paused for a long moment….and my son lovingly said “It’s ok Mom. You don’t have to do it.”.
One of these days I’ll be able to RUN down those stairs. But i’m not there yet.
It’s been a week now…and I haven’t thought about it again til this morning. Last night all of my dreams had me looking DOWN into a great big chasm. Only darkness lied at the bottom…and only emptiness lied between myself and that abyss.
I woke up recognizing that I was always looking DOWN and feeling fear!! Perhaps it’s not HEIGHT that triggers me!! Perhaps it’s DEPTH!! ♥
And then I began thinking about all of my triggers. I lived in New York City for YEARS………and never stepped on one subway grate or basement door panel. I ride up escalators easily……but shake and shiver before stepping onto one moving DOWN. When I’m walking (or driving) on a mountains edge…..I’m literally envisioning our bodies at the BOTTOM of the canyon…forever lost. I climb UP rocks easily and joyfully……but frightfully bootie-scoot myself back down every single time!!
I suddenly realize that it’s not the HEIGHT that I fear. I actually adore the freedom of a higher perspective!! It’s the trauma of a FALL into the depths of nothingness that trigger me.
Can this whole “fear” be a learned-response to the TRAUMA of falling to this limited and forgetful earth realm???
A few months ago….my guides and guardians showed me that I held a belief that this earth realm is not a “safe” place to be. It holds pain, coldness, loneliness, and sadness. It makes me “vulnerable” to the density of 3d reality.
They worked with me to remember……..that all LIFE is ever-flowing endlessly in all spaces and realms!! We have the ability to genuinely welcome HEAVEN to EARTH the moment that we Believe it can be!!
Perhaps this “fear” of heights and depths is no more than a fear of feeling SEPARATE from the loving security and LIGHT of the ever-present ALL!!! Perhaps it is in remembering that GOD walks with me in ALL MOMENTS….that will heal that irrational fear within.
I’ve been battling the “fear”. Perhaps I only needed to LOVE mySelf!!
I shall try……..and PRAY that this opens up every doorway into the wondrous heights and depths of Life and Love!!
Fear Has No Place
In My Heart or Soul
Only Love Nurtures
Only Love Inspires
In JOY and Ever-expansive AWARENESS,