I so admire the beautiful souls who have bright memories of their Dad. It amazes me that a true father can be warm, understanding, and supportive. I don’t have a single memory of my father “nurturing” me.
Dad was a complicated man. There were moments and spaces where he was in his joy, and then he spread that joy to everyone and everything. He could be a “charmer” when he felt like it. But if he was feeling less than comfy within himself (which was more often than not), the blame for that personal discomfort went to everyone within shooting range.
He might have been a “good” man at times. But he wasn’t a “kind” man. That would require a bit of care and selflessness, without concern for his own benefit. That definitely was not his style. Self-accolade and pedestals of grandeur were always part of any positive effort.
And although many of his actions and choices in life were authentically cruel and manipulative, I don’t believe he was a cruel and manipulative person.
Beneath all of the very rough exterior, was a man who wanted to love, be kind, and trust. Truly. I so believe that. I felt it, intuitively. Always.
He allowed all of life’s excuses to corner him into a box of defense and solitude. He allowed all of life’s challenges to prove how victimized he was.
This was his view of it all. This was the troubled dynamic of his own making.
Dad is in spirit now. Almost 6 years has passed since I watched his spirit rise from the disease-ridden body (a symptom of that shadowed path), into a beam of luminous Divine BEing.
As he rose, he telepathically expressed to me, “You’re right. It’s so beautiful!!”.
I watched him pierce through the veil, into all-encompassing acceptance, light, and love. All of that shadowed patterning and belief was powerfully shed, so that he could rise into Divine ReMembrance.
From the higher planes, he is the father I always dreamed of. He is kind, selfless, compassionate, and supportive. He cares, and he is patient.
But, “I” am still holding on to the memories of all he was.
I want to rise. I want to accept that he was the best that he could be in those moments. I want to focus upon all of the beauty. I want to heal all that feels so wounded within. But, at a very real level of emotional BEing, I still feel trapped by all of the choices and decisions he made in his life.
I still carry the wounds, and face the ripples of cause and effect. I still feel the need to defend, and to not trust. That dark influence is still a part of me.
And, if I allow it to remain, then I perpetuate the same injustices that he claimed for himself.
In order to stop the cycle of self-propagated victimhood and dementia, I must bravely shed all attachment to what has been. I must honor it all as beautiful, purposeful, and perfect. I must see through all of the expectations I’ve held in place, and allow Dad to just be.
After all, I am honestly the force of fierce presence that I am, because I refused to see mySelf through his eyes. From a young age, I learned to power-up and create my own way through, because of his influence.
That brave nature is a fundamental part of my BEing now. It has served me well. But, it’s time for me to evolve.
It’s time to balance that bold presence, with vulnerable grace.
I find that I can’t easily welcome in all of the bounty I am so joyfully ready for, if I am still tethered to my original tale of victimhood and trauma.
I have to be the one who FREES MYSELF from the cycle of blame and shame.
I have to be the one who sheds every ideal expectation and judgment.
I have to be the one who now moves forward into all-encompassing acceptance, light, and love.
All can only heal, once I’ve released my grip upon it. I must let go, to rise!!
I must believe it when I say:
All is perfect.
All is purposeful.
All is divine.
I will work on this. Authentically. I want to. So that I can begin to bask in all that now awaits.
My father is part of this. I felt his presence today, wanting to gift me and uplift me. And, I felt my deep levels of stored anger and frustration resisting that offer. Being near to him is not comforting. It makes me feel defensive. Authentically.
This is why I have shared this today. I am clear in knowing that “I” can not move forward, until “I” allow the healing to take place.
“I” am the one who must let the past go. “I” am the one who must shed every expectation, so that I may more fully LOVE MYSELF.
Thank you for loving me, as only you can. I accept all of the love that is generously gifted, and release you from every expectation I innocently embraced. I accept you as you are. I love you as you are. I allow today to begin a new day. Let our relationship now flourish into all that it has the potential to be. I accept. I allow. I receive. ♥
And already, I am beginning to remember all of the amazing blessings that he brought to my life too. It’s amazing, how built-up anger can cloud the full truth.
May only LOVE now nurture the path ahead.
“Dad, I love you!!!”
© Alania Starhawk 2018