My dreams, last night, were filled with memories of the many relationships and situations in my life that felt less than supportive and nurturing.
As a person that excels at being “positive” in life, I did my best to ignore those memories in the first half-dozen dreams. But the dreams went on and so did the old cob-webbed memories.
My night ended with the memory of one “friend” who used to hang on to me, physically and energetically. At that time in my life, I didn’t yet know how to create bounds or to make healthy choices that honored my own comfort and benefit.
As a fact, I would give attention and energy to everyone that was “nice” to me.
I place emphasis upon that word for a great reason. I suddenly realize that my understanding of “nice” wasn’t in harmony with what felt supportive, nurturing, and inspirational to me. It was measured simply by the actions and efforts they employed.
In other words, even if their energy was intrusive or in opposition to my own personal energy, I sought to honor them because “they were being nice”.
This amazes me now!! I had forgotten that this was the norm for me. I had forgotten how much I martyred my own inspiration and comfort in order to honor the shallow efforts and kindnesses of another.
In each of these situations, I knew that it wasn’t comfortable for me but I actively denied my own truth so that I could be every sense of “right, kind, generous, and loving” that would make me a “good” person!!
Uggghhhhh. A wave of nausea just moved through me as I typed the word “good”.
What a horrible word, when used in this context.
I was taught, from the youngest of young ages, to DENY MY BEAUTIFUL TRUTH if it was in opposition to what was deemed as “good, right, generous, and loving” by societal measures.
I was taught that my personal and intuitive instincts were selfish and judgmental.
Do you hear that??
Can you resonate??
As I spiritually grew and began to welcome direct messages from the Divine, they taught me to look at it differently.
They taught me to see my “negative” perceptions as personal insights that honored my awareness. They taught me to trust my instincts as purposeful for all that supported my unique path.
My thoughts were no longer considered “judgmental” of any person, place, or thing. I was just honoring the fact that it didn’t resonate with all that felt supportive to me.
I grew into awareness, sensing that we are all in different places upon our journey. I could love someone, authentically, without having to place their desires, needs, and benefits before my own.
What a freeing concept!!
With this new understanding, true heart-connections could be celebrated because any kindnesses I offered were now genuine and pure.
Doing what was best for me was no longer in conflict with what is best for another. And I no longer gave an honorable fig about what others thought.
As a fact, I could no longer give more than was comfortable for me to give because it was no longer my responsibility to make everyone else happy.
I learned this lesson a long time ago. So why am I still having dreams of the ghostly memories that have faded?? Why are they still haunting my thoughts??
Because I’m ashamed of having denied my beautiful, loving, and worthy Self.
How did I not nurture my own pained perceptions of loneliness (because no one saw or understood me)?? How did I not boldly fight for all that I was worthy of??
Too many days, weeks, months, years, and lifetimes are “lost” because I accepted all indoctrinated perceptions of societal truth as my own.
But that, too, is a perception.
Nothing can be lost.
The choice to rise in awareness was always mine and it could not happen until it was time for me to trust, accept, and allow.
So, I stand here now, shattering the last of these tethered binds.
I have never been less than empowered. There is nothing to mourn or be ashamed of. In each of those memories, where I denied myself, I was loving myself to the best of my ability.
I honor the strength it took me to move through those challenges without giving up. I never closed my heart or turned away from the world. I generously gave all that I had to give and I’d like to believe that the world is a better place because of it.
To all of the cob-webbed memories that arose in my dreams, I offer gratitude and love. You are part of my empowered journey!!
Thank you for rising.
I see you.
© Alania Starhawk 2019