I passionately run forward into the “everything” that awaits.
The beauty, the bounty, and the love; I run towards it all.
And yet, this intense forward motion seems to be a series of short sprints, rather than an epic marathon of uncompromising growth and expansion.
Life always seems to reveal one attention-needing dynamic after another – until I realize that my passionate “run into everything” is more like a part-time affair with a new lover. My adrenaline is pumped and ignited every time we are together – but I am not really making room in MY LIFE for that love to be anything more than a guilty pleasure.
I am amazed that I am saying these words, but after weeks of deep self-reflection and heart-centered focus, I can see clearly now.
My life is filled with logic-defying miracles that move me beyond every challenge, small and great, that appears. These miracles have proven to me, over and over, that I am blessed and supported in every wondrous way.
But I still seem to attract and participate in “challenge” – and that’s not enough for me anymore.
I want a life where the challenges are few and far between.
I deserve that.
Is is possible?? A life where my energy goes towards the passionate “run forward” into ecstasy – as a priority – instead of the monumental “rise” out of the ashes!?!?
I definitely want that, so I’ve been asking for the inspiration to do so.
In response to my bold prayers, I’ve been experiencing dreams, all week, of being persecuted for my light, my voice, and my beauty. These are archetypal memories of all that I have known in many past lives. They remind me that I’m still a bit wounded – and it’s still difficult for me to trust that “being me” is safe.
This insight also reminded me of a life-long instinct I’ve had, to “hide”.
I have always been incredibly happy on my own – to the point that I often preferred being “unseen and invisible” by others (a pattern that I worked hard to lovingly shift). Even compliments and accolades made me feel vulnerable and unsafe. So, in the past, I showed my deepest light to very few, even though there was a passionate fire burning within my soul.
I spent years reprogramming that belief. I had to teach myself that it was safe to be seen and loved. Which, of course, is how I fell in love with sharing my candid experiences and inspired teachings with all humanity.
Essentially, I learned to detach from the response I received from others, so that I could bask in the JOY OF BEING all I wished to be.
The gift of being authentic, to myself, was all that I focused upon.
This week, I realized that I still carry some deep emotional wounds that encourage me to resist the fullness of life and innocently hide from the greatness that calls out to me. Even the beauty that awaits, can feel overwhelming and uncertain to one who bears the ancient wounds of insecurity.
But, just a little bit ago, I awoke from a long night of dreams that pushed me even deeper into understanding myself.
It’s true that I had been part of truly challenging situations in the past. But I am still perpetuating those challenged realities, personally, each time I choose to “hide my truth” or “protect myself” as a defensive strategy.
Last night, in my dreams, I was hiding my journals (which represented my deepest truth), changing my name and identity (altering my persona), and creating elaborate defensive maneuvers to outsmart every manipulative force that might be (imagining opposition where there might not be any).
I was witness to my own evasive tactics, throughout the night, and could see that each one created more “challenge” to overcome. My focus was upon conflict resolution – not the act of LOVING LIFE freely.
I woke up, exhausted, and realized that I was trying to control every yet-to-be-created future outcome by hiding my “true nature” from the world. I was energizing the world of conflict, challenge, and distrust – by hiding who I truly am.
I was the only one creating the conflict I knew – which makes complete sense to this very wake part of me that is EXHAUSTED by “life”.
Perhaps it is finally time to rise above ALL CHALLENGE once and for all – in theory – so that I can TRUST IN THE BEAUTY that calls to me so boldly.
We might tell ourselves that we’re hiding from the overwhelming world that surrounds us – but we’re really only hiding from ourselves and our own greatest potential.
It’s time to be bold, passionate, and brave – by believing in an abundant world that exists beyond the concepts of “conflict and challenge”.
It’s safe to be who we truly are – and trust that we are supported.
There’s nothing to ever hide from – when we learn to love ourselves.
It’s safe to be free.
© Alania Starhawk 2019