I’m wise enough to know that abandonment is a perception. It is a subjective truth, that binds a precious soul to the perception of loss, lack, and injustice.
Can you sense the tense energies when I say this??
I’ve grown enough to know that this whole viewpoint keeps me trapped in a perception of victimhood and disempowerment. I know.
And still, there’s a deeply authentic part of me that can’t let go.
That man left more than 15 years ago. With great disregard for those in his life, he chose to walk a separate path, and has never looked back.
That’s his story, his journey, and his karma. I know this.
So why does a single lucid dream throw me off center, yet again??
My pain (currently) isn’t for what I don’t have. I certainly don’t want to share any aspect of my beautiful life with one who is the embodiment of selfishness. It’s the deeply intense pain of carelessness (on his part) that cripples me still, in these moments of emotional candor.
How can a human being walk away from a wife and a newborn child without any notice, communication, kindness, or compassion?? How can they just choose a new direction in life and never look back??
In my dream, a few moments ago, he casually enters where I am. He holds no special attachment to seeing me, after all these years. And when I ask, “Where have you been??”, he turns around to walk back out, because he doesn’t want to deal with it.
In that moment, I felt rage build, encouraging me to hold on to him while he is here. And then that beautifully wise part of me quiets my rage to think, “Why would you want to hold onto someone who doesn’t want to be present??”.
In that precise moment of intense emotional challenge, I woke up.
I remind myself that it’s not real, there is nothing to hold on to, and I am perfectly blessed in my beautiful life. But pain and disbelief still flow.
In these moments, I can’t comprehend how someone makes these choices and is able to breathe, grow, and live.
This wasn’t a stranger. This was someone that breathed in unison with me, until he didn’t. This was someone that only spoke in love and kindness, before that day and moment. This was someone that joyfully dreamed of a baby, until he was divinely gifted with a perfect one.
How can that soul, become this??
How can that sense of injustice ever be healed within me??
I don’t want to use any of my precious life-force to feed this story any more. I want to be free. I want to look into his eyes, and every selfish soul that protects him, to say “These are your choices to live with!! They do not define me.”
Yes. I want this.
I go months without any emotional attachment at all. Truly. I go months without seeing any of it through the lens of abandonment and betrayal, until a fateful dream awakens me to the original pain and sorrow. How do I heal this sense of abandonment at the deepest point of authentic BEing?? I want my life back.
Beautiful Spirit, support me please.
Breathe deeply, my sweet child. Breathe into the one universal heart of Love. Where only truth and beauty reside.
Fill yourself with the immensity of all that flows now. Become clear in this present moment of support, protection, and safety. You are wrapped in compassionate Light. Allow these gentle waves of divine grace to bring you the peace you so ardently seek.
If we remind you that no emotions are unworthy, can you sink into all that you now feel?? Can you allow yourself to even become lost in this sense of pain for a moment??
I know that it is opposite to what you expected us to suggest. But truly, there is a part of you that has not yet processed the enormity of this experience. There’s a part of you that couldn’t allow yourself to process the sensations of abandonment to such a degree.
From your human level of perception, which is all that you even knew in that moment, the one who you had considered your source of protection, care, and security, had stripped all of those perceptions from you in a sudden, cold, and harsh way.
Feel that. Accept that. Denial and disbelief no longer have a place.
You can not make this pretty. You can not change the truth. You must fully accept that you and your beautiful son have been treated with much less than kindness.
You must truly accept this, so that the fantasy of believing that the situation can heal, is shattered. In order to know peace, you must let go of finding some great solution.
This story is complete. And that is where your current pain still resides!! In the belief that it will ever be different.
It is not. You are not. He is not.
This is your truth. The one who promised to love you and your son, abandoned you both, for his own selfish gain.
Please feel the depth of this, so that you can move on.
Every molecule of your BEing must feel this. You must move into acceptance, in order to be free.
Abandonment implies loss. Loss implies that something is missing. When something is missing, you remain in a constant state of waiting and searching. Are you tired yet??
We tell you, there is nothing to find. There is no happy ending, regarding that soul. There is no just outcome. He, and those who support him, are very comfortable in their cruel and selfish choices. So let them be. It is their own life to lead.
Get mad if you must. Rage on, if you must. Let the fires within you rise, til there is nothing more to burn.
Every last hope, in some ideal outcome, must die, for you to finally be free.
Acceptance is your key!!
We sense your resistance, as if the truth of it all is too difficult to comprehend. But all you have to do is want to accept and see truth. We will help you with the healing that comes as a result of that clear sight.
Even after so many years, you can not begin to heal the false-perceptions, if you align with any sense of denial.
You were always worthy of kindness, compassion, justice, and truth.
But you’re not going to find these generous characteristics in this soul. He is not who he once was. So CHOOSE more for yourSelf. Do not limit yourSelf to what he can offer!! Open yourSelf up to the infinite embrace of all universal source.
We hold you securely in the truest LIGHT of divine grace.
Wake up to see, you are FULL within yourSelf, at every degree. The characteristics of lack, loss, injustice, and abandonment are not personal to you!! They are only part of a story you told yourself.
The story is what you’ve been connected to, not the truth of it.
Can you sense how easy it is to let go, when you’re not upholding the story of struggle??
Focus upon the BEAUTY in your life!!!! The past stories have outlived their purposeful time. They hold no power over you. They are complete and done.
You already are free, healed, and whole.
There is nothing to shift, but your awareness.
All is complete.
Can you feel that??
YES!!!!! I feel like I just went through the depths of it all, to arise with wings outspread. I don’t even feel judgment for the soul who made these choices. I can’t even identify with words like “selfish, cruel, or harsh”.
The flames have purified all.
Thank you!! ♥
As a sidenote, while I was in the depths (at 3:30am), my dog woke up out of a deep sleep to growl and defend, throughout the house. He’s back into a calm sleep again. But he felt the energy move, even while he was on the other side of the house, when it began.
This is all so real. And I no longer feel tethered to any sense of pain and injustice.
May this be my eternal truth.
May you also use this experience as an inspiration in your own life. Free yourself from your own old and outdated stories!! They don’t identify you. You are already free and empowered.
You are beautiful.
You are divine.
© Alania Starhawk 2018